Mom makes lunch. This is very typical for a little boy in the 60s. We don’t have school lunch. Mom makes lunch and she packs a lunch in my favorite Charlie Brown lunch box. I eat my typical lunch with my typical friends: Gavin, Ronnie, and Tim.
Shall we look inside and see what we have today? I think we should.
A typical lunch has three components:
Your typical sugary dessert.
Your typical salty snack.
Your typical sandwich—typically tuna fish, cheese, or bologna.
Let’s see what we have today. Oreos! Delicious. This is your typical sugary snack. We still have Oreos today. In the 60s, Oreos had a jingle. It goes like this:
♫Oh, the kid’ll eat the middle of the Oreo first, and save the chocolate cookie outside for last!♫
True story. You can actually unscrew the cookie, eat the lard, and then you’re good for the rest of the day. Fantastic!
Let’s see what else we have. Oh, look! Your typical salty snack: Lay’s Potato Chips. Now, Lay’s doesn’t have a jingle. Lay’s has a slogan.
“Betcha can’t eat just one!”
Y’all remember the movie The Wizard of Oz, right? The original one from 1939. Has a character actor who plays the Cowardly Lion. His name is Bert Lahr. Well, 30 years later, in 1969, the people down at Lay’s hire Bert Lahr to do a commercial. And he gets on there and he goes: “I betcha can’t eat just one!”
And the announcer goes, “Lay’s potato chips. You can eat a million of ‘em, but no one can eat just one!” The reason they hire the Cowardly Lion, is because they need a really good actor to play the part of Satan!
He’s dressed as Satan! Got a pitchfork and everything! And he’s like, “I betcha can’t eat just one!”
See, they knew—food scientists back in 1967—they knew we were powerless.
What’s today’s sandwich? Let’s find out. Is it tuna? Cheese? Bologna?
It’s bologna!
Bologna doesn’t have a jingle. Bologna doesn’t have a slogan. Bologna has an entire damn song and it goes like this. They get the cutest little kid you can find—the cutest little bastard they could possibly find—and they sit him on a dock in the middle of summer, and he’s got his red overalls, and he’s got his bologna sandwich, and he’s sitting there and he goes:
♫My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R,
My bologna has a second name, it’s M-A-Y-E-R,
Oh, I love to eat it every day,
And if you ask me why, I’ll say:
‘Cause Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A.♫
That’s genius, isn’t it? Genius! How can you say no to that, right?
[Applause]
Earlier this week, I sit down and I ask the AI: “Is bologna good for me?”
“No.”
I’m thinking that can’t be. Let me try this again.
“Is bologna really that bad?”
“Yes. It really is.”
In fact, according to the screen, the World Health Organization designates bologna as a Class 1 carcinogen.
Asbestos. Arsenic. And bologna.
“I should probably never eat bologna. Agree or disagree?”
“Disagree. Bologna should be consumed sparingly.”
“What is an example of consuming bologna sparingly?”
“Sparingly. Every now and then.”
“Since bologna and arsenic are both designated Class 1 carcinogens, should I also consume arsenic sparingly?”
AI defaults to the regular search results! The robot doesn’t want to talk about it! I’m thinking they need Oscar Mayer for advertising.
“Is my mother trying to kill me?”
November 9th, 2022, I drop dead from a heart attack. The fatality rate of the heart attack that I had is 85%. And that assumes you have it in the hospital, which is where I had it.
If I had stayed dead, my obituary would say: “heart attack,” “cardiovascular disease,” “natural causes.” Nowhere would it say “Oreos” or “Lays Potato Chips.”
Nowhere does it say, “This is the moron who goes to Denny’s and orders the turkey dinner... for breakfast, and then goes back to his studio to a jar of M&Ms and a jar of Twizzlers.”
It doesn’t say that. It says: “Natural causes.” “Cardiovascular disease.”
Now, if I knowingly throw myself in front of a cement truck, is that Freightliner disease? Kenworth disease? Peterbilt disease? Yeah, I don’t think so!
My obituary would just say heart attack. know this for a fact, because Ronnie, Gavin, and Tim also died in 2022, and all of their obituaries say heart attack. The only difference between them and me is that they live in the sticks. If you live in the sticks and you have a widowmaker, you’re done.
That is what their obituaries say.
Here’s my challenge for you, because the test for substance abuse is, “Can you stop? Can you stop?”
I challenge you, starting today at 1:00, for one month: no cake, no pie, no snacks from bags that crinkle, no candy, no alcohol, no sugary drinks for one month.
I know what you’re thinking: “But Mark, it’s the holidays!” Exactly my point! It’s December! This is the month where Christians all over the world celebrate the birth of Jesus. So what better time to ensure that Satan doesn’t have his way with you?
[Applause]
