It’s Taco Bell, You’re Like "OMG! The Lettuce!", & Somewhere on Wall Street, Big Cholesterol Is Smiling.
"I thought I had my shit together ‘til I was lying in it."
By The Late Shady O’Leery
Life Points Cofounder & Cast Member
One minute I’m choking down a freebie on National Fried Chicken Sandwich Day. Next minute I’m flatlining naked in the ER, shitting myself for the same level-one trauma team I’m going to see Tuesday at Trader Joe’s.
That brings us to the Comfortable Cholesterol Class which is in a state of high behavioral panic over a lettuce parasite. The diarrhea will pass. See what I did there? Fine. I’ll see myself out.
Somewhere Big Cholesterol is smiling!
Taco Bell is nothing if not transparent when it comes to ingredients.
Take the Caramel Cold Foam. I mean the jokes write themselves.
Buttermilk, hydrogenated vegetable oil (palm, palm kernel, coconut and/or cottonseed), water, cream (from milk), corn syrup, sugar, lactose (from milk), contains 2% or less of the following: natural flavor, modified cornstarch, sodium caseinate (a milk derivative), mono and diglycerides, polysorbate 60, disodium phosphate, guar gum, locust bean gum, carrageenan, soy lecithin. Contains: Milk, Soy, Caramel Sauce: Sugar, water, nonfat dry milk, corn syrup, butterfat, fructose, natural flavors, modified food starch, caramel color, salt, mono & diglycerides, disodium phosphate, potassium sorbate (P), citric acid
And the Associated Press is talking about lettuce bugs.
And the political haymaking. Presumptive 2028 Democratic Presidential Candidate, Gavin Newsom is apoplectic.
"Republican deregulation is giving you explosive diarrhea.
This is not normal. We need to get back to incidental diarrhea."
You wouldn’t catch me dead at Taco Bell. But you would at Legal Seafood. To set the stage, here’s a clip from my 2010 two-week residency at Washington D.C.’s iconic Studio Theatre, in which I talk about the importance of questions in the context of closing the deal.
The tumor I’m carrying around in this clip, the one in which I look three to four months pregnant, that’s Legal Seafood.
I sit at the bar. Bowl of chowdah. Fish n chips. Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice. Bartender keeps the free refills coming. So, make that three glasses of cranberry juice. They give ya’ a basket of rolls and a bowl of butter. I’m alone. I eat them all. In fact, “Can I get another round of rolls?”
2500 calories. 4,000 milligrams of sodium. 45 grams of saturated fat. Used to call this health hazard “lunch”. It was a highlight of the tour. Today I call it 15 Death Points.
The bottom line is not diarrhea. The bottom line is that Taco Bell looks at your mouth and sees a cash register. It has one question: “Will you eat it?” The dark reveal of a Breaking News Lettuce Bug is that when it comes to Taco Bell, Legal Seafood and your local sales floor (I mean grocery store) we are on autopilot. We have zero questions. We are beaten down from decision fatigue.
When you mindlessly say “I’ll take the number one,” you cannot be surprised by the unwieldy number two. Or the shortness of breath. Or the cold sweats. Or the defibrillator.
I was meant to stay dead. If I hadn’t blown my audition at the Pearly Gates Improv, I wouldn’t even be here. God was like, “Thought you’d be funnier. I’m sending you back on a mission from me — God.”
I write from Del Mar where a spiritual health cleanse can run $1,500.00. The Taco Bug is included in your meal deal, and you don’t need an appointment.
When Big Cholesterol asks: “Will you eat it?” you need to answer that question with two questions.
Q1: Why do I eat it?
A1: Because crack is illegal.
Q2: Is it good for me?
A2: No.
We need to put this diarrhea behind us. Truth is, we love the drive-up because the drive-up is delicious. But, we forget, the trauma center is a drive up, too.